Log in

December 2006   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

I Have A Food Addiction!

Posted by l0llygaggin on 2006.12.17 at 05:26
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Hurt - Christine Aguillara
I have a food addiction! I don't know how to beat it. I don't know how to live with it. I don't know how to deal with it.

I grew up normal sized but with a father who told me how disgusting and fat I was. He felt that at 5'8" and 160 lbs, I was too fat and that I needed to weigh under 129 lbs. That was his magic number. Because I didn't, he forced me to do extreme exercises every morning at 4 am. I'm talking 200 jumping jacks, 300 sit ups, 180 push ups, 180 4 count leglifts, 180 8 count leglifts, 180 knee bends and sometimes another 200 jumping jacks. Sometimes it was 1x a day, sometimes 2x a day.

Therefore, i hate exercise.

I think that once I got out on my own, I went crazy with food. I started eating because I could. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, in my 20's. I used to eat 1 3/4 pizzas I'd have delivered from Dominoes or Pizza Hut. I'd eat 2 foot long subs I'd get from Subway. Sometimes do the subs for lunch, then pizzas for dinner in the same day. I have no clue what I got up to in weight in my 20s as I didn't have a scale. I only know I wore size 26 at one point.

My 30's I reduced the quantity. I no longer ate as much as I did in my 20's. I still kept up on the unhealthy food. My 30's brought me a new marriage (the first one of my 20's being a very unhealthy marriage). My husband now is perpetually skinny and eats all the junk food he wants without gaining a single pound. But as for me, my 30's just continued the laziness and eating junk food (at a lesser quantity).

I just hit 40 and I'm still overweight. I still detest exercise. While I am currently wearing a size 20 jeans, I have regained 12 pounds of the 55 pounds I lost so far this year (going from my highest known weight in Jan 06). I am in danger of losing all the progress I have made and I don't know how to STOP the insanity.

I am married to someone in the military and we're currently stationed in Germany. Counseling isn't an option right now. I can go to the Dr. and get help there, but need to wait til after the holidays. It's really hard to get in for a dr. appt. with troops coming back and with the holidays combined. I've thought of the gastric bypass surgery but it honestly scares me...I think the control being taken out of my hands (not being able to eat whatever whenever) is one of the aspects that appeals to me.

How can I get motivated and re-started again and not lose ground gained after X amount of time?

Previous Entry